Monday, August 29, 2011

Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones (2002)

"Someday I will be the most powerful Jedi ever"

Okay, so the utter disappointment in Episode I didn't hurt its box office whatsoever. We all knew Episode II was coming and we all knew it would be in 2002. The only thing we could all do was wait, and hope it would be better than Episode I. I remember in the fall of 2001 I went to see "Monsters Inc." solely because the Episode II teaser was attached to it. I was completely let down when the teaser was seriously just Darth Vader breathing. And before I can say anything else, why the fuck was it just that?? Darth Vader doesn't even make an appearance until the very end of Episode III, everyone knew Vader was not going to be in Episode II. Fucking stupid teaser.

Anyway the day came, I was 18 and I went to see the midnight showing, I was not allowed to see the midnight showing of Episode I cause my mother wouldn't allow me to be up that late on a school night, well I was still in high school and I said fuck it. I saw the movie... and I almost threw up! Personally, Episode II is the WORST in the entire series. The movie sucks so bad even the title was fucking retarded! First off, the movie is boring, none of the other films are boring but this one is. Second, they cast Hayden Christensen who couldn't act his way out of a paper bag. I seriously had no clue that George Lucas was capable of casting yet another awful actor in such an iconic role, but he sure did it!

This movie was supposed to do two things: show the romance between Anakin and Padme, and show the beginning of the evil side of Anakin. Well, they accomplished the first one and they did so badly they are basically rubbing it in your face. The second one was also accomplished but in a really crappy way. Yeah, Anakin went nuts when his mother dies in his arms and he kills all the Sand People in that little camp. Fine. But, instead of coming off as angry and evil he comes off much more as asshole then anything else. I didn't feel any sympathy for him when his mother died, I seriously couldn't care less, because George Lucas didn't make me care about him at all. And why is that? Because of his shitty half assed dialogue. Oh, and by the way, this movie has to have the worst line of dialogue I've ever seen in my life! And the line is from Anakin and goes like this:

"Master Obi-Wan would be very grumpy if he found me doing this"

I paraphrased that but the line is "very grumpy" for sure. Very grumpy?? Seriously? This man becomes the intergalactic Hitler and he says "very grumpy"?? Awful, awful dialogue and to make matter worse it was badly delivered too! Also, I feel Natalie Portman (whom I feel is actually pretty good in these films) was really bad in this movie. I love Natalie Portman but her performance in this film was just as bad as anybody else's.

The movie ends with 2 gigantic battle sequences. One between all the Jedi's and pretty much everyone else and the other between Obi-Wan, Anakin & Yoda and Count Dooku (played by the legendary Christopher Lee). Well, Anakin gets beaten like the bitch he is and Yoda comes in and saves the day. I remember being in the theater and when Yoda shows up and whips out his light saber, I yelled out "Oh shit! He's gonna get fucked up!" (Star Wars midnight screenings are always the best). So the movie ends and for some reason Anakin has some HUGE robotic arm to replace the arm he lost in his fight with Count Dooku. I'm not kidding, the arm just seems overly too big for his body. It's not that way in Episode III.

If I hadn't known that Episode III was going to be the darkest of the series, I might not have wanted to keep going after this film. This film just sucks, everything in it sucks. There's nothing exciting about this film at all. It's not even "so bad, it's good" nope, nothing. I admit I saw the film twice in the theater because I was going to try and see the Star Wars films as many times as I could (I saw Episode I three times in the theater) but twice was enough. The second time I remember wanting to leave about 10 minutes in. I've tried watching all 6 films in one day, but I can NEVER get all the way through Episode II without turning it off for a long while.